Things that make you go hmm.....

Isn’t it ironic?

As we all know, just about everything in life can be looked at a couple different ways. I’ve noticed some things recently that sort of make me scratch my head and wonder.

As everyone may know, Mccain recently mocked Obama as being too much of a “celebrity” and compared him to Brittney Spears and Paris Hilton. However, wasn’t Ronald Reagan actually a celebrity? He was a TV host and President of the Screen Actors Guild right? – And it seems most republicans look at him as if he is the second coming. So I suppose McCain could have compared Obama to Reagan no? unlikely right.

Anyway, I also find it interesting (or ironic) that the most outspoken President against gay marriage in history, has seen more advances under his watch for homosexual protections than any other president. Many people voted for him because of this divisive issue and now gay marriage is more acceptable than ever before – it’s now even legal in a couple states. I’m not judging I’m just saying it sure is ironic.

In addition, the one president who claims to have kept us safe, while claiming that for example John Kerry, Democrats, etc., could not keep us (as) safe was the one president who was actually supposed to be at the wheel during one of the most horrific attacks on our soil in history.... hmmm…

Funny too how we're posturing against Iran, calling them evil, which I won’t discount here .. but it's the USA who signed a "doctrine" whereby we would not hesitate to invade another country 'preemptively' i.e. without provocation if we felt justified. It’s also the USA that leads the world in Nuclear stockpiles. McCain says we need to stop Iran from processing nuclear fuel – while also campaigning himself to create another 40+ nuclear power plants inside the U.S. We fear Iran using a Nuke, but the U.S. remains the only country to have ever used one – and ironically we dropped them on densely populated civilian cities to boot. We’re also the country that spends more on military than the next top 15 countries combined – and we recently manufactured evidence to justify invading another country.... but we need to keep a very close eye on Iran... hmm....

I also find it Ironic that the leader of the biggest evangelical Christian church (Haggard), who had regular access to the White House, turned out to be a homosexual crack head himself.

I’ve also always wondered how one can reconcile being pro-war, but also pro-life - you'll find this a lot on the "religious right" if you will. Can you on one hand say that death in war is just collateral damage so that the survivors can have a better life – when isn’t that also the justification a person might use when considering an abortion?

Things that make you go hmm…one's perception can become their deception.

Genetically Bootylicious

So Wednesday I go to pick up my wedding dress from Ursula's Alterations. Ursula had hemmed the dress - mostly in the front. It is a full length MOG (mother of the groom) number with lots of glitter and a long zipper down the back that won't lay flat when I try the dress on. On my first visit, Ursula had kindly opined in her German accent that this is the result of it being one of those nylon zippers. On my return visit, Ursula's assistant seemed pleased when she saw the dress and hem length until she saw the back zipper and commented "dress too tight here" while tugging at the fabric. This whole episode put me in the mind of an earlier family booty story about Aug being fitted for a tux for Glenn's wedding. The jacket had one of the center flaps at the back hem, and the sales clerk commented: "It will lay flat when you take the wallet out of your back pocket" - to which Aug sadly responded that there was no wallet in his pocket. I called him last night to verify the facts before writing this blog, and he reminded me that at the time Glenn offered, "Tell her 'If you have a spike up front, you might as well drive it with a hammer.' " (Fortunately, my dress comes with a jacket.)

No Sudden Moves

When I was growing up back at Broad Rock, occasionally Gram Records would make an afternoon visit. She would drive her Plymouth Duster from North Kingstown with her annoying chihuahua Taffy (adjective unnecessary?) in tow. After bidding her goodbye at the back door (in response to "Gram is leaving now. Come say good bye."), I would rush into the living room to turn on the tube - as TV was not allowed when company was present. (good rule) Broad Rock had a long narrow driveway, bordered by the house on one side and a chain link fence on the other. This fence was installed by the neighbors to the west after their son Martin began to walk. (That's another story. Suffice it to say the phrase "child ain't right" applied to Martin.) Anyway, Gram was VERY cautious when backing out of the driveway, and it was not a quick exit. I figured my time was better spent warming up the TV than continuing to wave my arm off while she was concentrating on her reverse.

I just wanted to share this picture I found with you. There's no big story here except to relate that I remember one afternoon waving goodbye at the back door and rushing to the living room in the front of the house to turn on Dark Shadows. I was intently enjoying the show for at least 5-10 minutes, it seemed, before a commercial break. Something caught my eye, and, when I looked out the window, Gram was STILL backing the car out of the driveway. (Taffy was in the back window with his paws covering his eyes.)

Follow up....

As a follow up to the previous "re-told" story about the Dr. Pepper explosion... while no pictures were taken at the time of the incident, this unidentified writer was able to re-inact part of the incident for investigators and has provided the following photos.

A day in the life with rain and canaloupe.

So I have been in the Florida house a day or two. I get up this afternoon and decide to ride my bike to the grocery store: Publix. My main purpose is to take my receipt with me and get a replacement cantaloupe for the bad one I got the other day. I started to cut it for breakfast and it had mold on the rind. I think Publix has some policy that seems like “if you ain’t happy we ain’t happy”. I figure what the hell…I ain’t happy about this worthless cantaloupe. Which I should have been suspicious of to begin with because it was labeled an “Athenian” cantaloupe…whatever the hell that means. So I cruise over by boan and bay-bo's on the Publix run. They are working in the back yard and wander out front to chat. I tell boan that she has a package on her front porch and a flyer stuck in the door. Being naturally curious and with time to kill, I wait for her to look at both of them. Boan has just received a package from UPS or FedEx. She opens it up and it's a stainless steel water bottle. She and Abbzug were discussing the fact that reusing plastic water bottles could be toxic….so she ordered this safe stainless one for their bike rides. I said I had heard that too as I took a swig from my water-refilled-Gatorade-plastic-bottle. Bay-bo has a mallet in his hand and claims to be fixing their gate locks. They spy a bottler of tea sitting on their new wall. Apparently Boan had left it there earlier in the day. I allowed as to how P-Lou and I had both left our keys sticking out of the door lock in the past few days. Seems forgetfulness is common in the village.

I bid adieu and begin to pedal down the street to Publix. I see Vail the plumber working on his small house next door to his big house. I wheel around and hail him with "do you know what you are doing?" He says he is putting a solar heating panel on the roof. We discuss the merits of solar heat, 50 gallon water heaters, and O’Doul’s. He said he wants to lose some weight so he has been drinking O’Doul’s and likes the taste. Said it cost about the same as beer but has a different taste. I can't remember drinking any O’Doul’s but now may reconsider. After about 15 minutes of conversation I am ready to head to Publix.

I start down the road on my bike again determined to go to Publix. Pedaled into the town and out…cruising on 58th street….hair flying in the breeze……life is good…… I see a woman get out of a car and walk over towards an old man lying on the sidewalk. She waves at me to come over. I stop and get off my bike….. cross the road and we approach the guy. He is lying on his back and seems to be awake. He has really thick glasses and stares at us like we are aliens. "Are you ok? Do you need any help? Are you hurt?" He grunts that he is ok, just needs help getting up. He had fallen backwards and cracked his head....no blood. The woman kindly asks if he has been drinking or is on some medication. . He said no, he just has trouble walking. Another guy , Alex, stops and helps me get "George" up to the standing position. George wobbles but he doesn't fall down…….if we both hold him. George is 79 and lives down the road alone and wants to go home. After some more discussion and grunts we put George between Alex and me with an arm over each of our shoulders and begin walking him home...slowly. The woman says she will stay there and watch my bike while we take the guy home. I notice she is in a Jeep Liberty with what appears to be her teenage daughter, so I am guessing my bike is safe. (And I feel I can trust her because now every time I see a Jeep …… I think of Jay being in that Jeep TV commercial with the singing birds, squirrels, and wolf) George is short, overweight, and large of stomach so me and Alex are humped over walking squat-crab like down the road with George between us. We finally get George home and he doesn't want to go in the house. We sit him in a plastic chair in the drive-way. He assures us he is ok. I have my doubts but Alex and I leave him there. I walk back to my bike a block or two away. The woman was true to her word, standing vigilantly beside my bike. We all mumble some "have to look out for each other" statements and disperse. I mount up, turn around and pedal down to the village police station. I think someone needs to check on George or at least be aware of the situation. Our village police station office closes at 4:30 PM...It’s 4:36 PM. I walk up to the police office door and press the intercom and tell the Voice a readers digest condensed version of what is happening with George. the Voice says hang on and some one will let you in. I wait. P-Lou calls me on the cell phone wanting to know where I am. I start talking to her on the cell phone and the Voice says something else. I press the button again and talk to the Voice. It says "open the right door". I try the right door and it doesn't move. I tell P-Lou I will call her back. I press the intercom button again. I am trying to talk as the Voice is trying to talk. Finally I get in the building. I tell the officer the story. He says he will go check on the guy. The officer asks my name and date of birth. I give him my middle name and last name, because I am from the south and when people say: what is your name? I always say "Vic". He then throws me a curve and asks for my middle name. He has me now. I have to admit my middle name is Victor. I tell him my real first name. He eyes me suspiciously and writes my full name and a small spiral note pad. He wants my phone number now too.

I leave the police office and pedal back to my house. Explain to P-Lou the story of my travels and why after 1-1/2 hours I haven't been to the store yet. I take a pee and refill my plastic drink bottle, get back on my bike and head for Publix ….again. And just for the hell of it , I retraced my route back to George's house. George and Alex are sitting out in plastic chairs in the driveway. I stop and talk to them a few minutes. George seems ok. He said are you Victor? The policeman came by and said you asked him to check on me. I was amazed that the policeman actually went and checked on George. I pedal off again to Publix….about 3 miles down the road.

Almost there and the rain and lightning start. I just make it to Publix and the bottom falls out. About a million gallons of water pour from the heavens. I go into the market. I explain to the service desk lady the deal about the cantaloupe. She tells me to go get another one and bring it to the service desk. I grab a melon, check out at the desk and head out the door. About 40 people are all standing in the doorway because it is raining cats and dogs and nobody wants to go out the door. I butt my way through the crowd and go outside but stay under the overhang. P-Lou calls and asks if it is raining. I said yea I will just wait it out before coming back home. She said she has talked to Bay-bo and he will drive his truck down to get me and my bike. I said don’t worry about it. She said Bay-bo is already on the way. I wait under the overhang for Bay-bo. I have my cantaloupe in hand and watch the rain fall, people get wet, and cars slow down.

Bay-bo pulls up in his big 4 door crew cab black truck and motions for me to take my bike and fat ass down the walkway a bit so he can pull up next to the curb. I walk my bike down and meet him past the restaurant. It is raining like hell now. We can hardly see each other. I stand under the overhang and watch as he hops in the back seat, opens the passenger side front and back doors and shouts through a curtain of water: “hand me the groceries”. I hand him the cantaloupe. He stares at the one item and then at me in disbelief………and asks “that’s all???”. (I assume when he volunteered to come and get me that he thought I had ridden my bike to the grocery store, bought several bags of food, my bike baskets were overflowing. And I really needed a ride home.) So I walk my bike behind his truck, he jumps out and helps me load it up. We get back in the cab. Both soaking wet. Fortunately, Bay-bo had the foresight to bring a dry towel with him. We dry off and head home.

I am thinking on the ride home. I sure hope this is a good damn cantaloupe. I would hate to have to bring it back tomorrow.

Re-told

Entitled "Tuesday" (Written again by unnamed family friend....)



So, I went on a Starbucks run today; the nearest is about 12 minutes away. I was sent to get a hot chocolate, venti iced coffee and grande vanilla bean frap with an extra shot. I ordered and the total was $10.63. My coworkers had given me $7 in cash but I was just going to use my debit card to pay. So I looked in my purse and no wallet. This morning I had realized I didnt have my wallet, but did have my debit card, so I thought I was cool unless they asked me for ID. Anyway, so I start looking through all the little pockets and couldn't find my card. I thought maybe I had left it in my car this morning when i got coffee so I went to look. I couldn't find it so considered driving all the way back to work or gathering all the loose change to pay the difference. I looked all through my car and found a handful of nickles and dimes. My coffee had spilled in the center console and the change was all stuck together and was really really gross. So I went back in and the cashier was just kinda waiting for me... I had to go in the bathroom to rinse off the change so I could SEPERATE it.... I FINALLY got it all unstuck and went to pay and I was STILL short 2.86. The cashier was looking at me like, really?? You are that broke and you are spending the last bit of your money on coffee?? So I guess she felt bad for me and took off the charge for the extra shot, the total was something like 1.76. So I pulled out this REALLY old used gift card I had saved to give to my daughter and told her to try it. She said "Well if you don't know the amount on the card it probably won't work". I had no idea if there was any money on it... so she tried it and it didn't work for the total so she tried it again for $1.50. Thank god it worked that time! So I still owe starbucks some change... pathetically she took it out of the tip jar.

Seriously... every day this is my life.

Re-Told.....

Entitled .... "Monday" (By a family friend)

So, in order to get Diet Dr. Pepper here at my office I have to walk about half a mile to the other office and buy them from one of the sales teams refrigerator. I really wanted one so I walked over there to get one and they were not in the refrigerator yet; but I bought 2 any way, thought I would store one over here for next time. SO, on the way back I stopped in the breakroom/cafeteria thing to get ice so that I could drink one of the sodas.There were about 60 people eating lunch and hanging out- some of the execs were in their as well. I washed my cup and filled it with ice and was carrying the 2 sodas and my cup out and somehow both sodas slipped out of my hand and fell on the ground. They both exploded and starting spouting out soda like a sprinkler. Diet Dr. P was spraying all over the place and the cans were spinning in circles. I wasn't sure if I should grab them really fast and head for a sink or wait for them to slow down, either way, I was already getting soda all over me and so were all the people in their nice work clothes in the area. What made it worse, their was a huge floor fan right where the drinks fell and the air was literally blowing the DDP all over everyone! People were jumping all over the place and screaming.... it was pretty funny and embarassing. Anyway, I finally grabbed them and ran over to the sink, but the soda was ALL OVER the floor (and all over my coworkers)..... I started cleaning it up and misstepped and slid one foot almost all the way across the floor... so I was basically doing the splits and the only way I could get up was to sit down in the soda pool, everytime I tried to get my footing I would just slip more. I finally got up and EVERYONE was laughing at me. Finally, some guys helped me clean up the mess.... this one guy had on a pink lightweight button down shirt and it was so wet... and spotty...so... yeah. I had the whole fight or flight moment and decided to not run out (although I TOTALLYwanted to) I started chatting people up, trying to be all funny and got this guy to buy me a new soda. But, I look so gross today, my hair is all wet with soda and sticking to my face and halfway in a ponytail and half all over the place. My clothes don't match, I look like I had an accident in my pants and I have no makeup and bags under my eyes.... so I couldnt even try and play 'cute'.... for reals... this just happened.

They just all look the same don't they?

As a preface, and as everyone might know by now, I work for a Korean Company.

Anyway, upon my return from a recent business trip, I met with my boss to discuss what I had accomplished, we went over some questions, opinions, etc., The following day however he sent me an email asking me various questions about my trip. At first I thought it was a little odd because we went over most of the stuff already, but nonetheless I figured maybe he wanted a recap in writing, so I obliged.

As time went on we discussed more topics, resolved some more issues, etc., and yet again I got an email from him asking again some of the same questions that I'd thought we already answered. This time however, in the email, I had to use wording like "as per our previous discussion" and "as you mentioned", etc., in hopes of refreshing his memory a little. I even went and spoke with another manager to see if she knew why he was sending me these emails after we had already spoken about the matters at length... maybe he was tired or stressed I wondered.

Last night I got another email from him, and at the end of the email he said "Please respond before you leave" and I looked at the time of the email and it said 6:40pm and I almost spit out my cold coffee "as if" I thought to myself... he knows I'm out the door at 4:59:59.

Then it hit me. It wasn't my boss sending me the emails - it was someone from our Seoul, Korea office. See my boss' name is, at least as I call him, "W.Y.Kim" (they use initials in the US) his full name, as it appears in email (as I know now) is "Kim.Wonyong" and I was getting emails from "Kim.Woohyong" who is actually "W.H.Kim" as in "Woo Hyung", where as my boss is Won Yong... I guess it's true what they say... they do all look alike.

Plumbing Problems Can Be a Pisser

(Basic Guidelines to Problem Solving and Decision Processes Concerning Location and Repair of Water Leaks or Advice to Polvo)

1. Ask yourself what causes you to think there is a problem. This is very important and often where you will go wrong. Don’t react to what they think the problem is. Instead, seek to understand more about why you think there is a problem. First things first: In a potential water leak situation, make sure there is an actual water puddle. Do not be tricked by some “maybe this - maybe that” stain, dampness, slight wetness, vague moldy-fungus smell, or the fact that some family member slipped and fell on the floor. All of these things can be ignored or put off. If you even think there is a possibility of a water leak, observation of a water puddle is a must.

2. Circle the puddle with a magic marker to determine if it is getting bigger. Hell, it may go away. If it doesn’t dry up and disappear, watch it for a minimum of 7 days. Don’t start wasting your leisure time and limited brain power worrying about a potential water leak until you have something to worry about. Jesus H. Christ, we all have enough problems in this world to keep us occupied without looking for more. (This 7 day observation period may need to be modified or severely shortened if your wife finds out about the puddle and starts riding your ass to do something.)

3. Step three is evaluating the puddle to determine best course of action. If the puddle shrinks and goes away, you are home free. If the puddle stays the same size, determine if you can live with it. If the puddle gets larger you need to start thinking about causes. Note: do not spring into action; a little thinking now can save you a lot of work later.

4. You need to broaden you knowledge of puddle history when trying to determine possible causes. I suggest a few afternoons/evenings of drinking beer and brainstorming with buddies at the local sports bar. This may not help you with the puddle problem, but is fun during football and basketball season, when Tiger woods is in the chase, Jeff Gordon is making a final pit stop or happy hour. Guys drinking seem to have (or think they have) vast knowledge of assorted problems and solutions. Ease the puddle problem into the conversation, sit back and enjoy another long neck Coors and listen up. You are going to discover a multitude of causes and solutions. Probably none will be related to your specific situation, but it is always good to hear about others having worse problems than you have. And keep in mind: One of these yappers could (A) have a cousin that is a plumber, (B) possibly know a plumber, or (C), if you hit the jackpot, actually be a plumber. This is sometimes valuable future information. However be very, very careful about approaching plumbers or discussing water leaks with them. They are pretty tight lipped with any really helpful “free” information and always have this wild and crazy idea about getting paid somewhere in the back of their minds.

Bottom line: think of all the possible causes of a puddle on the floor.

5. Try to rule out by observation as many puddle causes as you can. Is this a spilt bottle of bleach, Windex, or beer? Is it a roof leak caused by a tornado? (Hint: look up…..do you have a roof?) Did the dog, a neighbor, the meter reader, or some visiting relative just pee on the floor? Is this a sign from god? (If so, try to think of ways to cash in on the face-of-Mary-shaped puddle.) And some really important stuff like: is the puddle near the sink, bathtub, refrigerator, air conditioner, or washer? Etc.

6. Make sure you understand your role in this specific problem. Ask yourself: was this puddle caused by any action (of lack of action) on my part? Did your wife tell you to do something or not do something that may have caused this? This is very important. Think hard. When initial discussions of the problem begin….and you can bet your sweet ass they will.......I mean come on now, you know these types of chickens will always come home to roost. You want to make sure you are not fumbling for words or making up lame shit on the fly. (That adlib approach never works for a guy and you know it.) Do not ever ever ever ever enter into the “problem-was-caused by” stage of the conversation unprepared. Imagine yourself standing there with nothing but the truth to offer…...not a pretty sight.
If the answer is yes; you did something wrong….. begin thinking of an alibi, excuse, or someone to pass the blame to immediately. (May want to consider another run to the sports bar.)
If this is one of those extremely rare instances…like once in a lifetime happenings…… where you didn’t have anything to do with causing the problem (or you can look your wife in the eye and say that with a straight face) enjoy the moment. Relax, have a beer.

7. So now, say you may have identified the problem as something to do with the washer area. Your days of research, observation, and calculations have narrowed it down to the washing machine: reservoir tank, valve, water supply, hose, fittings, or tub. Before going any further, think about alternatives to resolving the problem. Can we just not wash clothes for a while? Can we put a towel over the puddle each day? Can the dog lick the puddle up as needed? Can we step over the puddle and pretend it is not there?

If none of these seem like a workable solution, you need to start thinking about fixing the leak.


8. Select an approach to resolve the problem. Consider all avenues, even radical solutions like calling a plumber before you actually decide to risk your life, waste several days, and eventually end up spending more money than you would have by hiring a plumber and do it yourself.

9. First you stand and try to look behind the machine for a clue. You don’t have the flashlight so you cup your hands around your face, like this is going to help. This never works. Next you start reaching into the accessible areas of the washing machine. This never works because it would be too easy and everyone would do it. You finally decide to crawl behind the machine just because you have run out of options based on your limited knowledge of water leak identification.


10. Now listen up………at this point it is best to go take a pee before trying to climb behind the washer. It is pretty much a given that once you hang over the machine, avoid the shelf hanging over the machine, snake your self down thru spider webs, hoses, wires, and pipes that you are going to have to take a piss. You will find yourself upside down, trapped, and having to pee each and every time. You can’t call for help. You can’t go up or down. And you are going to have to pee.

Retelling assignment

Now the story that goes with this picture must be retold - by Boan, Abbzug, or Polvo - or perhaps Mocha.